miseria cantare.

Ive slipped into depression again. god knows how i let this happen, i tried so hard to ward it off this time, and for a while there, it seemed to have worked. good things never last however, i should know that. a 10kg weight gain and a doped up mind all for nothing but a sense that ive regressed in life, and more unrequired bullshit to ponder. no wonder people seem to avoid me, im a walking disaster, a liability to all around me. i would give anything to fix myself, howeer, ive given up hope that such a feat is entirely possible.

i had the worst night last night. i went out on the town with a few friends, but was kicked out of the first club we went to for smuggling alcohol inside. as i walked away, the bouncer yelled out to my retreating back, and his words ignited 4 hours of suicidal thought processes and bloodshed. "youre mother must be so proud." i have noone to blame for her hatred but myself, i see that now. i am jack's broken heart. im just thankful that i made it home, i was seriously considering throwing myself from a building, or sleeping on the beach ( a decision which would have undoubtedly resulted in my rape or murder ).

i really shouldnt drink so much, it heightens my emotions to unbearable levels. is it my fault that i cannot stand my life without intoxication? i think i will switch to weed, its more natural anyway. i am beyond the point of caring whether my brain survives through university, ide rather be happy than intelligent.